-- My Secret World Of Nonsense

Reaching for the Impossible

Feelin Feelin...

Since last night i have no idea why i was in the mood to blog. it's been 1 month since i last blogged, on several occasions i had the feel to blog but sometimes, things just pops out one after another. I've shot several images with my cellphone with the notion to blog but i didn't, so there's quite an accumulation on my camera picture folder.

Talking about pictures, my laptop have been formatted and now my photoshop is gone, it's such a big blow to me, phototaking and editing days are over if i do not get it back in my computer soon.

For the past few weeks i haven't been home, been staying at different places, but mainly i stayed at my grandparent's place. It's kind of boring staying there, the only fun thing was the companionship from my cousins. they have no internet connection there and no games. luckily i bought my PSP and talking about my psp brings me to a boil. it has only been weeks since i bought it and it's analog is spoilt and it cost me 55$ just to change it. i'm like so freaking pissed off. it's like the psp itself is $288 and for a small plastic thing it cost $55, it's like daylight robbery but as much as i complain and rant, i still have to pay considering i need to use it for role playing games.

Lately, i feel that i've been drifting in and out of so called depression. everyday i've been hoping for a special something to happen but it just doesn't want to manifest itself, so as the days grows old and with the passing of time, my hope slowly dwindles and despair sets in, which results in the corruption of my mind. I can't helping feeling isolated from this world, people who seems close to me seems to be a million miles apart, i can bearly see them from the distance even with all the squinting and straining of my eyes. i feel lost, i've lost my sense of directions.

At times i looked back and regret, filled with remorse and guilt. however at this point of time, it's too late you can make up for the things u have done wrong but you cant make up for lost time. I ponder over these and happen to bump onto some thoughts which deems really true. In life decision have to made one way or another, be it good or bad it's the direction in life we want to take. sometimes you can't have the best of both world which this applies to me, as much i want to join my friends, being there when they need me or looking for them when i need them or just hanging out to have fun, it is at the expense of something, it can be monetary or even times for your other friends and family or even school.

Ever since i've been in the "circle"more or less, i've neglected many things, for example school, health, money and even my other friends. i even wished i was a clown, being good at juggling which i can juggle my time to lead a fulfilling life. There's so much i want to do and time just doesnt seem to be on my side, it's like my rival having a race with me and i'm already exhausted with the challenge i want things to stop. Listening to beyonce's irreplaceable, it seems like it is merely just a word, plain and simple which means nothing. Time only reveal things, some can be forseen however some comes in the later part which gives you a fatal deadly blow straight to the chest where it hurts and the pain radiates from the core of the wounded site. i've came to learn that nobody is irreplaceable. irreplaceable is something time can tell, at one point you may seem like you feel lost without the person feeling that and follows him around and one day he tells you that he dislike you following him around and wish that you would stop doing that,you feel the pinch and in the end as time goes by you feel that you do not need to depend on him as you have found someone else.. this clearly shows that irreplaceable is temporary it's just a human feeling kind of thing in the end the survival instinct just takes over.

i feel so caught up in emotions, it seems like this post is doused in bitterness and emptiness. so many feelings are bottling up in me, i need someone to confide in but i just cant see nobody to do that. Drowning in the vast ocean of misery, where life hangs on a thin thread stretched to it's max only to give way in the end and i'm the only one i can see in the picture, just me and myself.

i've watched Sweet sixteen with my cousin and i'm left with envy which is very sinful of me to harbour such thoughts. i just cant helping wondering why some people's life are just so perfect, they have to money, the looks, have that perfect gf/bf and wonderful family and thinking to myself why aren't i blessed with any of those. i guess i just have to wait for my happy ending life like an ugly duckling, only to be happy at the end. Feeling empty and lost and sense of voidness in me.. i guess i'm just a shell for my soul to accomplish it's mission on earth and to stay here for a few decades thats all. intially i feel that i'm not really a plastic kind of person, however there are different way of defining plastic, but its main point is putting a false front. i tried my best not to be a plastic person it's better to have more friends than enemies but due to dire circumstances, no matter how you try to salvage, the crack just seems to get thicker and longer only to give way in the end .some are plastic to people they don't like, whereas for some, they are not what they seem they are.

I guess i'm just so caught up with expressing all my negative energy.. this becomes a volley of bags of negative energy. i think i'll just stop here.

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